“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
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student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
me: my friends:
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Monday
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can