You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
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dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?