Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
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When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
choose your gary
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Barbie gone wild
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.