Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
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We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*