No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
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Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old