This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
You Might Also Like
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”