My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
You Might Also Like
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too