Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
You Might Also Like
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.