Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
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Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Stop sending me this shit.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Doctors texting each other.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Jupiter
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it