Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
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Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Wikigenius
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Investing in beetcoin
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
He took my last fry, your honor
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.