when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
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If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
oppen heimer style lol
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?