Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
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Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.