My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
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Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Watermelon Boss!
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken