When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
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I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same