Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
You Might Also Like
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?