Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
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BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?