Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
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“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
I camp so other people don’t have to.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June