mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
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Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Yes
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired