“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
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My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world