[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
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Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.