What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
You Might Also Like
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.