I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
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My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”