For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
You Might Also Like
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
my mom making me talk to relatives
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana