Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
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I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
twitter is a journey
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
I’m aging like a fine banana
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Tell me you get it…🤣
My Sentiments Exactly
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money