Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
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My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
life finds a way
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box