People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
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As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day