*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
You Might Also Like
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him