Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
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Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
#damn
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Lmao 🤣
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!