thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
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It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
omg leave her alone
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home