I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
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DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
time for some seasonal decor
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.