No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
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Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.