Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
You Might Also Like
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too