Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
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“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?