Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
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A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE