Monday again. I just knew this would happen
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Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?