No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
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Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.