I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
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Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Was it something I said?
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?