My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
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Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?