When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
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I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO