Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
You Might Also Like
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!