[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
You Might Also Like
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
me and the Superbowl rn
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
North and South
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made