i think both sides are to blame here
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Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!