[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
You Might Also Like
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
My Guy
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
By the pound.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?