If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
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Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
so much to do
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.