*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
You Might Also Like
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
That 👊
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Spotted in New Orleans.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.