If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
You Might Also Like
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/