Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
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I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work