internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
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No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Whisper out to librarians!
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.