I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
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I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Why am I like this?
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’