If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
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Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator